Secondhand Lions

Secondhand Lions

"13 year old Walter has had a hard life, with his no good floozy of a mother getting together with many equally despicable men. Before going on yet another husband-hunting trip, she drops him off at the house of his great-uncles Hub and Garth. They disappeared for quite a while in their youth, and are rumored to have acquired a great fortune, which Walter's mother hopes to get her hands on if he can ingratiate himself enough to the two cantankerous men. Though reluctant to put up with him at first, Hub and Garth grow to accept Walter, and even tell him fantastic stories of what they were up to while they went missing. When his mother returns, Walter must take charge of his own life, and decide what he's going to do with it."

2 stars

Now, I know what you're thinking, "Todd, what the hell are you doing reviewing this movie? It doesn't really fall into the category of movies you spend your immensely valuable time on." To you sir, (not ma'am because lets face it, a woman's opinion doesn't matter) I say don't judge so quickly! Wouldn't you like it if a quiet little movie like this were able to fly under the radar and then somehow, as if pulled by the hand of fate, find its way into your life at the exact right time? A time at which, due to your emotional state, you were able to identify so much with it that it automatically becomes a touching, personal favorite that is down right life altering. And a movie that had such an impact that you will be sitting in your living room one day years from now with your starry-eyed grandson on your knee while you play this wonderful film in an effort to connect with your kin and hopefully share a moment that he will remember long after you've passed into the Great Beyond? Well, friend I too share that dream, but unfortunately this wasn't it.

Secondhand Lions is probably pretty much what you think it is, and anyone that has graduated the 4th grade would probably be able to guess the entire plot based on just reading the summary blurb above. I can't say I'm that disappointed because I really didn't have any desire to see it in the first place. I actually only saw it because it was playing during Jury Duty. Between trying to strike up an conversation with the hot girl next to me and vehemently praying to Allah that I didn't get selected to actually sit on the "exercise in human de-evolution" that is an American Jury, I really had nothing better to do than watch the movie that County Clerk Bernice (I swear that was her name) told us Judge Roberts had hand-picked for us.

The plot actually wasn't unbearable and maybe could have managed a little entertainment if anyone involved with the film actually gave a flying fuck. As legendary as they are, Michael Caine and Robert Duval probably wouldn't disagree with you if you accused them of "phoning in" their respective performances. They also weren't able to create enough of a dichotomy between the characters. Michael Caine was supposed to portray the younger, more timid brother. But, as anyone who had seen in him in other films knows, he pretty much owns any room that he walks into, so both Duval and him pretty much ended up playing the same role. Conversely, it seemed like Haley Joel Osment was actually trying, and it was almost unwatchable at times. He looked like he was attempting to remember everything he possibly learned in the acting courses that he undoubtedly had to take once his voice finally cracked and he realized he couldn't make it on his boyish looks and creepy one-liners to Bruce Willis. But it just wasn't that good and frankly it made you feel like you were watching something at a community theatre. Wait, what's that?! Listen children, if you're very, very quiet you may just be able to make out the sound of a child actor's career being quietly suffocated in its sleep.

Again, while it's not horrible, I can't really justify telling you to spend any of your time watching it. If you accidentally end up with the DVD in your possession, maybe it's worth fast forwarding through just to see Emmanuelle Vaugier (one of the sexiest women in Hollywood today) spend some scenes as an Arab harem girl. But overall, the dialogue makes most Disney movies look like a Tarantino film and the pace is about as dull as a party at Sad Keanu Reeves' house.